I changed furniture around today, or rather, the things that represent furniture to me. I had to, it was the thing that kept me from sinking back into anxiety after K left.
I discussed my situation with him last night. I told him about the dreams about ex-boyfriends and flirting and seeing people I used to date, and about the meeting with the singer who has been my greatest love since I was 18. And that I had to confront that all, it was put in front of me so that I'd put it all in the past for good. Because I am now with him and that is what is important. I even told him about the marriage obsession I seem to have. Since it was convenient, I had another dream about it the other night, it was our wedding.
So it's said. And he said that I need not be so rude to myself, I want what I want. I needed to hear that.
Overly stressed about work and the sleep overs in the city. I need to be brave now, I only have so little of it left.
I've been feeling kinda depressed this past week. A lot actually. K was so good to come over and it helped, last night I had a realization that really inspired me. I gathered some energy, totally intuitively, and it worked. I got scared afterward when I realized what I had done. But it's ok. We've just been taught, from an early age, to be under control and not to be determined, not to take matters into our own hands. Not to use our energy that way.
But last night I did and it really is an inspiration.
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